uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
