Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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