____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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