I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
