I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
