My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
