dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
