Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Randomize
