M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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