Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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