Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
