Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
