someone threw a dead crab at me
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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