1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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