woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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