Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
