While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
