He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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