laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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