bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
