I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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