You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
