please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
