Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
