i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
