you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
