Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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