Only a mothe r could love this liver
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
