There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
