lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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