idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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