I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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