Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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