I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
