Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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