In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
