i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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