I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
