Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize