we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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