Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
