I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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