She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
