You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize