Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
