I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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