Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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