I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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