tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Come share oat with me in your robe
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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