I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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