Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
