I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Slut skills are useful in every country.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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