Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
