i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
