The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
