Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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