oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
