Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
