don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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