You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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